I made a rather depressing recollection last night, when I remembered that my very much needed next paycheck will only be 75% of my regular pay check because I added my last vacation week for christmas. Of course I had planned for this and set aside money this summer, but I had to spend it on an emergency root canal and totally forgot what the money was really for. I already use half my pay on rent, so now my anything-but-rent budget is halved. As you know I was planning on treating myself to some new gym clothes, as well as a sports bra, a regular bra and I was hoping for a wool coat as well. I also had to get some cheat blouse for christmas, so I don’t have to wear a t-shirt on christmas eve and christmas day (me being Norwegian and hubs being English we’re celebrating both this year). What makes it even more depressing is that the next pay after that is being spent entirely on student loans, so the next time I can buy anything is late Febuary! Atleast I already have all my christmas prezzies, and I have hubs to pay for food and bills.
It may sound shallow, but I was counting on some new clothes would make my self-esteem a tiny bit better, and it’s really at an all time low right now. I guess it has to be when something as silly as not being able to shop can make everything so bleak. But right now I’m so sick of wearing my boyfriends sweat pants not even loosing 20 kilos could make me feel better. But I do think it’s important to dress well in order to feel well, because who feels well when they wear a sad outfit that only makes you look fat and lazy? I’m really not looking forward to doing all christmas parties in the same black blouse which is now to small for my boobs, and I can’t even afford a proper bra to hold those not-so-fun-anymore bags in place (right now I’m wearing H&M sports tops that don’t quite fit). So I guess it’s leggings, sweat pants, t-shirts and my big Michelin-man parkas for another three months. Maybe then can I afford some pants.
It’s not easy trying to be an attractive woman and girlfriend and not just a sad mom. Or cheap.
It sucks that I can be so beyond happy with my life, but so beyond unhappy with my looks.